Joy in Depression

I have great hope that one day I will be able to live a life free of depression and anxiety. That my path will be a little less bumpy and winding. And that one day my heavy will be made light. Until that day I will make the decision to choose joy.

 

Heavy: my eyelids, my 7 ½ -month pregnant body, my mind, my heart. My senses were overwhelmed with things that seemed to taunt me. The sunlight was dancing in through the blinds I rarely opened anymore. Voices and laughter could be heard from my four other kids playing in the room down the hall. The smell of pancakes filled the air. Using all the effort I could muster, I rolled over to check the daily schedule of who would be watching my kids. It was Monday again, week four of eight scheduled for strict bedrest. The novelty of doing nothing had long worn off, and I was now left to sit all day in my thoughts. This left me in a constant state of depression and anxiety. Knowing it would all be worth it in four weeks when I could cuddle that baby and be free from the heaviness I was currently feeling was the only thing keeping me going most days.

Then the baby came – but the heavy stayed.

Before my eyes would even open, my mind would be filled with thoughts of worthlessness. I would wake mad at God that I had awoken at all – never wanting to hurt myself or take myself out of this world, but disappointed that God wouldn’t do that for me. I’d have to drag myself throughout the day. Some days I was capable of faking smiles and conversations for others’ sakes, other days keeping my head down not even having the energy to fake a smile or hi. Often the minute the older kids were off to school I would climb back in bed, hoping to hide from the world and my pain. My nights were filled with anxiety and fear as I imagined the next day and how I’d get through it.

At some point I became numb. Not able to handle the pain anymore, my mind and heart seemed to shut down. While I felt relief from that pain, I noticed I was also no longer feeling happiness either. I was simply existing. After a while I started to find this frustrating. I liked not being in pain, but I also missed feeling happy. I missed feeling God’s love. I would attend church each week and feel nothing. It became a really hard thing for me to continue to attend church. Trying to keep 5 kids quiet through a church meeting where I felt nothing was far from how I wanted to be spending my time.

Sitting in the dreaded school pick up line one afternoon my youngest two were watching Moana. Since almost all of our movies are digital, this was the only movie we had on DVD to watch in the car. I had heard it so many times I had most of the movie memorized. At a certain part of the movie the main characters are trying to get past one of the ‘monsters’ to carry out their mission. In the chaos of everything Moana looks at this monster and sees something more. She sings to the monster, “I have crossed the horizon to find you. I know your name. They have stolen the heart from inside you. But this does not define you. This is not who you are. You know who you are” (Moana, 2016). Tears began streaming down my face before I knew what was happening. It was in that moment I was reminded of a few things. First, church and the things I had been taught in church were not the only places God existed. Of course He could be found in those things, but He is so much more. Second, God loved me. And third, He knew who I really was and chose that day, in a school parking lot with the help of a Disney movie, to help remind me.

I wish I could say that moment stayed with me and I continued to feel that love from then on. Unfortunately, that has not been the case. Depression and anxiety continue to be a part of my daily life. Some days the pain is still so raw and heavy I feel I may collapse under the weight of it all. Some days feel lighter. These days are filled with smiles and laughter and peace. Most days fall somewhere in the middle. In order to help myself have more good days than bad I have spent a lot of time learning about joy and peace and trying to incorporate those things in my life.

The Merriam-Webster dictionary describes joy in several ways, some of my favorites are: rejoice, delight, the expression or exhibition of such emotion, and a source or cause of delight. I love these descriptions because they use the word joy as an action word. It is hard to find joy if I am letting life act on me instead of acting on it. Joy is a daily choice I have to make.

Part of me choosing joy has required spending a lot of my time learning love and compassion. Loving myself is something that requires work. My daily work requires things like yoga, scripture study, prayer, meditation, and positive affirmations. It is setting healthy boundaries. It is communicating how I’m feeling and reaching out when necessary. It is acknowledging hurt and pain, feeling it, and then letting it go. It is granting myself grace and compassion when I fall short or have bad days. Desmond Tutu has said, “We are fragile creatures, and it is from this weakness, not despite it, that we discover the possibility of true joy” (The Book of Joy, 2016). The beautiful thing is when I am loving and compassionate towards myself, I am more capable of being loving and compassionate to others, which in turn brings me joy.

At times I have become hyper focused on trying to be happy. I become so obsessed with trying to do large spectacular things that should be bringing me joy, only to discover I’m no happier than when I began and in some cases I’m worse off. Brene Brown explained this when she said, “Joy comes to us in ordinary moments. We risk missing out when we get too busy chasing down the extraordinary” (Daring Greatly, 2015).Some of my most joyful moments, even on my dark days, are brought by a text or phone call from a friend, a cuddle from a toddler, a conversation about how the day went with my school aged kids, or watching my kids as they laugh and play together. When I go into moments with no other intent than to be present, I receive some of my most joyful memories.

One of the people I have loved and respected most in this life was a dear friend who was born with a rare form of muscular dystrophy. He spent most every day of his life in pain and in either a wheelchair or a bed. Yet he was one of the most gracious people I have ever known. Despite his difficult circumstances, he was always looking for things to be grateful for. Dieter F. Uchtdorf has said, “No matter our circumstances, no matter our challenges, or trials, there is something in each day to embrace and cherish. There is something in each day that can bring gratitude and joy if only we see and appreciate it” (“Of Regrets and Resolutions”, 2012). At the end of the day, even if it is just one thing, there is always something I can think to be grateful for. This act also helps me end my day in a positive manner. 

C.S. Lewis explained one of the very best ways we can find joy when he said, “Look for yourself and you will find loneliness and despair. But look for Christ and you will find Him and everything else” (Mere Christianity, 1952). When I make time in my day to day life for my Savior, to study and to grow closer to Him, my days become better. I become better.

I have great hope that one day I will be able to live a life free of depression and anxiety. That my path will be a little less bumpy and winding. And that one day my heavy will be made light. Until that day I will make the decision to choose joy. I will surround myself with loving people who comfort me when I need comfort and cheer me on when I need that boost. I will remind myself who I truly am, a daughter of my Heavenly Father, who loves me. I will have faith that no matter how dark or long the night, the morning will come. And that, my friends, is a joyous thing! I’d like to leave you with the words one of my very favorite people, Fred Rogers, who would use these words to end the episodes of his television show Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood. “You’ve made this day a special day just by being you. There is no one in the world quite like you, and I like you just the way you are” (Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood, 1968-2001).

 

My heart breaks for those who are fighting the daily fight of depression and anxiety. If this is you, know that there are others who understand. I want you to know that you are loved. You are worthy of that love. Take some time each day to pray and ask God to allow you to feel His love. Then I invite you to make a choice. Choose to look for examples of His love for you. Choose to fully embrace the moments when you feel that love and then store them away to help you get through the moments when it’s harder to remember how that feels. Choose to find joy. And then choose to grant yourself grace when the days are harder and that may not happen. 

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Photo by Liam Pozz on Unsplash