Mothers Are, That They Might Have Joy

I can confidently say that who and what we surround ourselves with has significant impact on our ability to focus on and feel joy in our motherhood.

There was a point in my motherhood when I felt like a complete fraud every time I mentioned finding joy as a mom. Because…I didn’t. Motherhood was exhausting, frustrating, overwhelming, and mundane. My children were needy, inconvenient, and had a knack for pushing buttons I didn’t even know I had. I felt like my identity had been reduced to a mere washcloth, referee, or broken record. Day in and day out, I cleaned up spilled drinks, wiped messy bottoms, and counted to three. At one point, I told my husband, “I am not happy. I do not feel joy as a mom.”

Some time later, I was reading a talk by President Russell M. Nelson entitled ​”Joy and Spiritual Survival​.” In it, he states:

The prophet Lehi taught a principle for spiritual survival….Clearly, Lehi knew opposition, anxiety, heartache, pain, disappointment, and sorrow. Yet he declared boldly and without reservation a principle as revealed by the Lord: “Men are, that they might have joy.” Imagine! Of all the words he could have used to describe the nature and purpose of our lives here in mortality, he chose the word joy​!

I let out a sigh, rolled my eyes, and thought, “Well, if we could all be like Lehi.” I could feel frustrated tears start to gather as I thought about the current difficulties of my motherhood. I spoke right out loud to the Lord with full exasperation, “How do I do this?! How do I feel joy as a mom?!”

What followed was a path I felt prompted and encouraged to take—a course that required exercising faith in Jesus Christ, opening my heart and mind to revelation, and acting on that revelation. I witnessed the growth and over-abundance of contentment, peace, and love enter into my life, especially in my motherhood. When I think of the things I’ve learned and principles I’ve put into action to find and experience joy in motherhood, I can sum them up into three major ideas: seek, simplify, and surround.

1. Seek for joy. President Nelson stated, “Saints can be happy under every circumstance. We can feel joy even while having a bad day, a bad week, or even a bad year! My dear brothers and sisters, the joy we feel has little to do with the circumstances of our lives and everything to do with the focus of our lives.” Thinking about how I could focus on joy in my motherhood, I found a small, green notebook lying on my desk and decided to carry it with me throughout the day. Every time my children did or said something that brought me an ounce of joy, I wrote it down.

For those first couple days, I really had to search! Some examples were, “Finn wanted to hold my hand into the kitchen” or “Liam gave Kate a hug.” Anything and everything that was even slightly joyful to me went in the notebook. At the end of ​one​ day, I could feel a change and it had nothing to do with my circumstances. My children continued to spill drinks on the couch, sticky fingers still grabbed at my food, and the chorus of “Mommy, I’m done!” rang just as loud and frequent as ever. But, I noticed more contentment among the chaos, an increase of softness in my interactions with them, and a greater level of fulfillment and satisfaction at the end of the day. My role as caretaker and nurturer started to become…joyful.

2. Simplify. In a world of Facebook and Instagram, it’s easier than ever to compare our motherhood to another’s. And, if we’re not careful, our expectations and definition of what makes a “good mom” becomes increasingly unattainable This leaves many women feeling frustrated, inadequate and like they’re failing in their sacred roles. In the hustle and bustle of trying to make our homes, holidays, and hairstyles “pinterest-worthy”, our priorities can become misconstrued. What was supposed to bring happiness and joy, leaves us feeling empty and unfulfilled.

I remember our twin boys’ first birthday. I was determined to make their party the best I could! In my mind, that meant the decorations had to be hand-crafted and on-theme, the food had to be on-theme, and the games (yes, at a party for one-year olds) had to be creative and, you guessed it, on-theme. Because of these expectations, I was up all night finishing decorations.

The next day, I was so focused on getting the “perfect” picture of our pre-party activity to post on social media, that I hardly held my children and can’t even remember much of the activity itself. For the party, I was so stressed about making sure the decorations looked good and that people liked the food and played the games, that I barely ate anything.  My kids were grumpy, and I hardly said two words to many of the guests because I was running around like a chicken with her head cut off!

That night, I sat on my bed and just cried. When my husband asked what was wrong, I told him, “I missed it. I missed our boys’ first birthday. And I can’t get it back.” Dieter F. Uchtdorf said:

“Isn’t it true that we often get so busy? And, sad to say, we even wear our busyness as a badge of honor, as though being busy, by itself, was an accomplishment or sign of a superior life. Is it? I think of our Lord and Exemplar, Jesus Christ, and His short life among the people of Galilee and Jerusalem. I have tried to imagine Him bustling between meetings or multitasking to get a list of urgent things accomplished. I can’t see it. Instead I see the compassionate and caring Son of God purposefully living​ each day. When He interacted with those around Him, they felt important and loved. He knew the infinite value of the people He met. He blessed them, ministered to them. He lifted them up, healed them. He gave them the precious gift of His time.”

It’s not easy to simplify our “to-do” list. But, I have realized that to be truly present with my family and to have meaningful experiences with them requires doing less​, not more. I have had to learn to “declutter” my time and “clean out” my long list of ridiculous, self-inflicted standards in order to make room for what’s truly important—nurturing, teaching, lifting, and loving as the Savior did. By prioritizing my time and efforts, I feel an increase of joy tenfold, even in a messy house, with Christmas lights still up in the middle of April, and hair that hasn’t been washed in 3 days.

3. Surround yourself with joy. After I had my third child, I suffered with terrible postpartum anxiety and depression. I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t sleep, and I felt so much guilt for not feeling joy with my new baby. When describing how I was feeling to someone, I mentioned how dark everything felt. At that moment, I remembered a phrase from Dieter F Uchtdorf in his talk ​”The Hope of God’s Ligh​t”, “Yes, from time to time our lives may seem to be touched by, or even wrapped in, darkness. Sometimes the night that surrounds us will appear oppressive, disheartening, and frightening…I testify that with Christ, darkness cannot succeed. Darkness will not gain victory over the light of Christ.”

I received a prompting to surround myself with as much light as I could—literally and figuratively. Every morning, I opened the blinds to let as much natural light in as possible. I only listened to music and watched shows that were positive and uplifting and made sure to get outside in the sunshine every day. I even asked some teenage girls in my neighborhood to watch the children for 15-20 minutes while I took a walk in the mornings. I was also consistent in my personal prayers and scripture study, to allow the Savior’s light to fill my mind and heart. Doing these simple things on a continual basis did not take away my PPD, but it definitely helped me cultivate greater feelings of peace and hope in such a dreary time.

I can confidently say that who and what we surround ourselves with has significant impact on our ability to focus on and feel joy in our motherhood. Pay attention and be selective about what influences you are allowing in. If it’s hindering instead of helping, turn it off, throw it away, change the channel, or change the subject. Chances are, if it’s not bringing you closer to the Savior, it’s influence is not worthy of you or your motherhood.

My journey to joy continues and the hard parts of motherhood remain a reality for me. But, as I’ve sought out and focused on the joys each day offers, simplified my priorities to allow more time for meaningful experiences and relationships, and surrounded myself with influences that uplift and bring me closer to Jesus Christ, I have been led to a point that I can confidently say: YES, mothers are, that they might have joy!

Invitation​: Prayerfully think of one way you could better seek, simplify, or surround yourself with joy. Write it down and focus on that goal for one week. After the week is over, write down in your journal any differences you notice in your ability to feel joy in your motherhood. Pay attention to how it has influenced those around you, especially your children.

Please share your thoughts and/or experiences below!  We would love to hear from you!