The Truth Shall Set You Free

Ultimately I realized that God was showing me that believing those lies was sinning. And like all sins, I could only be made clean through Him, Jesus Christ. I needed to know the truth of my identity.

Mediocre. Not-enough. Inept and inadequate. These were not the type of feelings I had expected to arise in the temple as an ordinance worker.

Yes, it was the Saturday morning shift (the temple’s busiest time), and I was still in school, so naturally, I was tired. This day, however, fatigue and the slumping gang of other unwanted companions weren’t just feelings I could easily brush aside; they consumed my consciousness. With each patron I encountered, I just felt over and over and over again that somehow I’d messed up. That somehow my tone of voice came out wrong or that my directions came out all scrambled and unclear or that I neglected to fully smile. I couldn’t stop wondering if I should just leave because someone else could do these same responsibilities; I just wasn’t contributing.

But really, the heaviest feeling was simply just sorrow FOR HAVING these feelings. I didn’t want them. Didn’t like them. And honestly, I didn’t really think they were true because of many countering experiences where I was helpful, competent, able, and a unique contributor. But I was still feeling them. And they were real.

These thoughts led me to briefly wonder if I was worthy to be there. But I knew I was worthy; I was just so confused. Why was I feeling these here in the temple? Why was I feeling these things when I was sacrificing to serve Him?

I, of course, didn’t want to be feeling these things, but particularly because I felt I was in a space that rendered me helpless to take care of them. I needed to be working and helping temple patrons feel God’s love for them, and above all, I didn’t want the patrons to have a negative experience and potentially feel the weight of my burden when they themselves likely had their own cares they were seeking to be made free from.

The temple busyness subsided, and (gratefully) I was shifted to an area where I could pray and ask the question searing in my mind, “Why, Father, am I feeling these things so strongly right now in your house?”

It was then the spirit gently prodded into my mind an experience from Richard G. Scott regarding a dream he’d previously learned from.

In the dream, he found himself traveling in an unknown space with the sole purpose of finding his wife Jeanene. Others were also on their own journeys searching for what they valued most. Regularly, and increasingly more rampant, different individuals came and approached him emphatically saying that Jeanene would not be found, that she was not the same, that Richard Scott was not the same—nor did he actually exist, and that all memories of Jeanene and their family would eventually be obliterated.

Elder Scott continues in his own words:

As more encounters came, I realized that I was surrounded with evil individuals who were completely unhappy, with no purpose save that of frustrating the happiness of others so that they too would become miserable. These wicked ones were striving to manipulate those persons over whom they sought to exercise control. I somehow was conscious that those who believed their lies were being led through treachery and deceit from what they wanted most. They soon began to believe that their individuality, their experience, and their relationships as families and friends were being altered and lost. They became angry, aggressive, and engulfed by feelings of hopelessness.

The pressure became more intense to accept as reality that what I had been no longer existed and that my cherished wife was no longer the same. I resisted those thoughts with every capacity that I could find. I was determined to find her. I knew that there must be a way and was resolute in searching no matter what the cost in time or effort.

It was then that I broke out of that oppressive surrounding and could see that it was an ugly, artificial, contrived environment. So intense were the feelings generated by what I had been told by those bent on destroying my hope to take me captive that I had not realized the forces of opposition that made my efforts appear fruitless could have no power over me unless I yielded through fear or abandonment of my principles. The environment appeared real, yet it had been generated from fear and threat. Although it was simulated, to those who let themselves believe the falsehoods thrust upon them it became reality.

(21 Principles: Divine Truths to Help You Live by the Spirit. Richard G. Scott, p.77-79. Emphasis added)

After reflecting on the dream, distinct words came to my mind, “Heidi, you are feeling these things in my house because you’ve come to believe they are true.”

I was feeling mediocre and average because a part of me had chosen to believe that those defined my potential. I was feeling not enough and that somehow I was doing everything wrong because somewhere along the way I’d chosen to believe that I was unable to do things correctly. Somewhere along the way, I’d chosen to believe that I was unable to really contribute in a significant way. But these were all lies that I could be made free from.

I was then taught that those feelings, those beliefs, do not belong in God’s house because they are not true. No untruth can exist in God’s presence. All untruth must be rooted out, for “no unclean thing can dwell with God” (1 Nephi 10:21); therefore, no untruth—even an untruth regarding our natures, our true identity—will be left unchecked in the Lord’s house or in His presence.

Ultimately, I realized that God was showing me that believing those lies was sinning. And like all sins, I could only be made clean through Him, Jesus Christ. I needed to know the truth of my identity. I needed to be in a place so good and so full of love and light in order to see the deception, so I could choose to be cleansed from it. I needed to see and be shown where I could apply the Atonement of Jesus Christ more perfectly in my life, so I could be more like Him and be made “more holy” and “more fit for the kingdom” (see Hymn 131). I needed to pluck out the untruth within me (see Mark 9:47), so I could be restored to my true nature. I needed to know the truth, so He could set me free.

A few weeks later, I was in the temple again but this time as a patron. I learned that this direction God gave me is a principle and pattern God has taught many of His children. Adam and Eve were taught in the Garden of Eden when the Lord confronts them about partaking of the fruit. Adam confesses that they hid “because they were naked.” The Father then asks, “Who told thee that thou wast naked?” (Genesis 3:10-11).

Likewise, He says to each of us, “Who told thee, Heidi, that thou wast mediocre? Who told thee that thou wast not enough? Not worthy? Inept? Inadequate? A mistake? Who told thee?” To all these things I feel He would firmly reply, “It was not I.”

May we choose to hear the Savior. May we choose to recognize and turn to Him to see our true value. May we choose to “know the truth,” receive the truth, and be “[made] free” (John 8:32).

Invitation: Think of one way you can increase your faith in, and understanding of, how God views you, and then do it.

Please share your thoughts or experience below.