Woman of Faith: The Pains of Infertility

As women and mothers we try and be strong for everyone else and think that we need to move on quicker than our spirits or our bodies are ready to.  I’ve realized that it’s okay that I’m not all the way healed mentally or spiritually. It’s okay that I don’t understand why everything happened the way that it did. It’s okay that I’m frustrated. But I also need to remember that there must be a reason for it. I know that God has a plan for me even though I don’t understand it.

Laura is a loving wife and the proud mother of a sweet and sassy two year old.  She graduated with degrees in Elementary Education and Curriculum Instruction.  You will most often find her taking pictures, cooking, or spending time with her husband, daughter, or siblings.

 

How has your life been different than what you’d imagined?

I thought that by age 30 I would have more children. Growing up I always wanted to be a mom. I loved babies and dolls and role playing different situations. I’ve always loved babysitting, playing with cousins, and just being around younger kids. In Primary we talked about raising a family and I loved seeing how my mother was and how my siblings were with their children – I knew it was something I always wanted.

Please share some of your experiences with infertility:

Before I was married I was content and loved being an aunt. But after I met my husband and we got married we both felt like we needed to start our family pretty quickly. After a year of trying we decided to see a doctor. We did some testing for my husband and the doctor suggested that he have surgery. Neither of us felt like that was the right thing to do. We went to a second doctor who said that if we wanted to pursue options to conceive it would be very expensive and she would not recommend it for someone who was still in school.

We tried for another year and then moved to a new city where I was able to go to a different doctor. This doctor was finally able to determine that I was insulin resistant which was preventing me from being able to get pregnant. We were a little frustrated that the other doctors hadn’t checked for that. We didn’t know what could be contributing to our infertility and didn’t know what questions to ask, so we were frustrated that no one else had discovered this issue. We were very unfamiliar with infertility and expected the doctors to search for and find the answers. But, at the same time, we felt relieved that we finally had some answers. I started taking some medication for the insulin resistance and another medication to increase my chances of getting pregnant.

I had already experienced one miscarriage but was able to get pregnant after starting these medications and felt more hopeful. It was very hard not to tell people, but we were trying to be cautious. At 7 ½ weeks my husband went out of town on a business trip. For some reason I was very concerned about my pregnancy before he left. He gave me a priesthood blessing and in that blessing he talked about the plan of salvation.

On the day my husband was supposed to come home from his business trip I was at work and realized something was wrong. I went to the doctor and was able to hear the baby’s heartbeat, and I was told to go home and rest because everything looked okay. However, within 24 hours I miscarried the baby. I went to see another doctor after miscarrying who added another fertility drug. Within a month, miraculously, I was pregnant again, this time with my daughter who is now almost two years old.

About six weeks ago, I had my third miscarriage at 15 weeks along. When I went to the doctor, heard the heartbeat, and saw the baby the first time, he knew that I was concerned. He told me he’d be very surprised if this baby miscarried. His words helped to alleviate some of my fears of losing this baby during my pregnancy. We were a week short of finding out the gender when I started showing signs of a miscarriage.

I tried to convince myself that nothing was wrong and tried not to get too anxious because I know that can do more harm than good. By the next day, things were worse and I went to the emergency room. They weren’t able to find a heartbeat. They sent me home and within 4 hours I delivered the baby. I think it was a tender mercy that it happened so quickly. We had been told it could take several days, and the thought of waiting that long seemed like torture. Because I was able to labor and give birth at home, I was able to spend some time with my husband and the baby. We see that time together as another tender mercy.

My doctor ran some tests to try and find out why I lost the baby but they didn’t find any specific reason. We were frustrated again because we thought if there was something wrong with the baby or my body it would bring more peace or comfort. We didn’t feel like we received closure from the testing. However, what brought us the most peace was a quote from Joseph B. Wirthlin:

“The Lord compensates the faithful for every loss. That which is taken away from those who love the Lord will be added unto them in His own way. While it may not come at the time we desire, the faithful will know that every tear today will eventually be returned a hundredfold with tears of rejoicing and gratitude.”

When we read that quote, we both felt a sense of peace. We named the baby after Joseph B. Wirthlin so that we would always remember that we will be able to raise him in the Millenium.

I was also grateful for my siblings who contributed money for us to get a memento to remember him by. This baby was so far along; we had both felt the baby move and were connecting with the baby already, so this was definitely harder than the other miscarriages. We decided to get a bird bath and a little plaque. These have helped in the healing process. I don’t feel like I’m forgetting the baby if I try to move on, but I have something happy to remember him by. And my daughter loves it as well.

 

What would you tell someone else who is going through something similar?

The best piece of advice that I received was from my sister who had gone through a similar experience. She said, “Let yourself grieve.” As women and mothers we try to be strong for everyone else and think that we need to move on quicker than our spirits or our bodies are ready to do. I think this time I’ve realized that it’s okay that I’m not all the way healed mentally or spiritually. It’s okay that I don’t understand why everything happened the way that it did. It’s okay that I’m frustrated. But I also need to remember that there must be a reason for it. I know that God has a plan for me even though I don’t understand it.

I also think that infertility is not uncommon, but it’s not frequently talked about. There is so much raw emotion and everyone person and situation is so different that not everyone will understand exactly, but I hope they know they’re not alone.

 

How has this brought you closer to the Lord?

Growing up, when I thought of the Atonement, I always thought of using the Atonement to be forgiven. My struggle with infertility has made me realize that the Atonement covers more than just being forgiven of our sins. At some point the Savior had to know what it was like to long for a child and to lose a child. Knowing that He has felt that and knows the exact pains that I’m going through- even the anxieties that I have about getting pregnant again and possibly losing another baby- helps bring me peace.