Loving Myself

Quote: When I learned to love myself, I was actually able to think about myself less and reach out to others unconditionally with the understanding that I was a worthwhile person with gifts and love to offer the world.

Two years old.

My mom comes into the Nursery classroom at church to pick me up.

“What’s on your face?” she questions, bending down to wipe away the smudge.

“Nuffing, Mommy!” I respond with wide, innocent blue eyes. “Jus’ nuffing! It’s jus’ a cute face!”

Five.

My clumsy Kindergarten scrawlings form a self-portrait, the words “I Love Me” proudly written across the top.

It is school picture day.

I slept in curlers and my 90’s bangs are perfectly poofy.

A large pink bow sits atop my blonde curls and the picture man feigns shock and says, “Are you Barbie??”

I giggle with delight as the camera flashes.

Ten.

I am scrawny and gangly with long limbs.

I am staring at my thighs.

“Are they fat?” I wonder.

I wish to myself that they were the same width from the knee all the way up.

Fifteen.

I pour myself a minuscule amount of cereal to eat–two Cheerios at a time so I can convince myself it’s a full meal.

I walk the hill up to the Driver’s Ed building and sit down shakily, my vision darkening around the edges.

Being thin has been part of my identity for so long

that I have an obsessive fear of becoming fat.

A talk about the sanctity of our bodies changes my actions,

but my mindset remains the same–I hate my body.

Seventeen.

“Kaitlyn, how was Homecoming?” my teacher asks before class.

“Doing homework was…fun…” I say with a smile.

He is shocked.

He insists that the reason I wasn’t asked is because I am so “intimidating”

and tells me a story about a beautiful girl he knew in High School.

I brush it off and tell myself I don’t care,

but a little voice in my head tells me that

I’ve never been asked to a dance because I’m awkward, ugly, and weird.

Twenty.

I’m sitting in a hospital bed, holding my newborn son.

I refuse to look up at the camera as my husband snaps pictures.

I smile down at our new bundle of joy,

completely overcome by his perfection while hiding my own imperfections.

Twenty Five.

We have just moved to “the vainest city in the United States,”

where a whopping 50 percent of billboards advertise cosmetic improvements

and the number of plastic surgeons per capita is higher than anywhere else in the nation.

Feelings of insecurity I have buried for so long resurface,

and I discover that my coping mechanisms are no longer working.

I am preoccupied with flaws I see in my personality, my appearance, my spirituality…

everything about myself.

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And it is at this point in my story that a change begins to take place. Through a great deal of contemplation, I realize that I need to overcome my self-hatred–not just ignore it. I realize it. I even write about it here. But I am left wondering how to stop hating myself. Attempts are made here and there to improve my thoughts, but mostly it remains a subject that sits on the back burner in my mind, re-visited between diaper changes, loads of laundry, and spilled milk. And then we happily learn that we are expecting our fourth baby– and I think, “What if it’s a girl? How can I teach her to love herself if I hate myself?” And so I begin to make an effort as never before to rid myself of hate. Everyone is different, so another’s story may not mirror my own, but I share some of the things I learned in hopes that perhaps they may help another who is struggling with insecurity.

1-Recognize the Importance of Loving Yourself

Hollywood director Joel Schumacher said, “I have never worked with a young woman who thought she was a) beautiful, or b) thin enough.” The prevalence of self-hatred, especially due to excessive emphasis on physical appearance, is staggering.

In my quest to learn how to love myself, I found that there were many suggestions to simply not think about myself and just focus on others. The problem with that mindset was that whether or not I was actively thinking about myself and my imperfections, my self-hatred affected the way I acted toward others. I found it particularly difficult to be a friend to others when I felt like I didn’t have anything to offer. I was convinced that I was bothering people when I tried to “reach out.”

I also found myself avoiding people who highlighted my own insecurities with their strengths. If I felt bad around them, I stayed away from them so I wouldn’t have those toxic thoughts brought to the forefront of my mind.

In contrast, when I learned to love myself, I was actually able to think about myself less and reach out to others unconditionally with the understanding that I was a worthwhile person with gifts and love to offer the world.

2-Serve Those Who Intimidate You

Serving anyone can help build feelings of self-worth and purpose, but I found that it was especially helpful to serve those I was intimidated by. I had recently moved to a new area and when I attended church I saw a woman I considered to be beautiful in every way. She was graceful, friendly, well-liked, stylish…everything I thought I wasn’t. The moment I saw her I knew I just wanted to avoid her so I wouldn’t feel bad about myself. As I recognized my negative feelings toward her, I decided to ask her if I could regularly watch her son. The more I served her, the more I got to know her and appreciate all of her strengths rather than feeling intimidated by them. Serving others opens our hearts to the love of Christ.

3-Eliminate Bad Influences and Messages

Be aware of the way you feel in various situations. Magazine covers, movies or television, Instagram accounts, and even certain stores may trigger feelings of self-loathing. If you notice yourself feeling badly, consider eliminating that situation from your life. Something as simple as averting your eyes from the magazines in the grocery check-out can have a big impact.

Remember that what we see is often distorted and only one small piece of a very complex puzzle.

4-Surround Yourself with Positive Influences

In addition to determining what negative influences to get rid of, find positive influences to include in your life that help you feel your infinite worth. I was changed for the better by many of the stories in the book Why I Don’t Hide My Freckles Anymore. From the woman whose elementary school teacher cut her face out of each class picture to the woman who learned to love herself after her husband admitted he wasn’t attracted to her, I was profoundly influenced by reading essays from women who had learned to love themselves—physically and otherwise. This was just one of many helpful resources which are abundant!

5-Reframe Negative Thoughts

In her post “Pioneer Complex,” blogger Kathryn Thompson describes herself from two different perspectives. This exercise is fascinating for me to go through with myself. Try describing yourself (and not just physical features!) as if you are the heroine in a great story—how would you make yourself sound extraordinary? Hearing others’ perspectives can also be helpful in this effort. One of my least favorite things about my appearance is a bump in the middle of my nose. And yet a few months ago my husband told me, “I just love your profile. I remember looking over at you in the car on our first date and thinking you had the most beautiful profile.” I was shocked and, needless to say, I’ve been more accepting of that pesky bump on my nose since then.

6-Work to Strengthen Weaknesses

I feel like I’m not very strong socially. So I began observing people who seemed to have that strength and taking note about how they interacted with others. If you notice a weak area that you feel badly about, try learning from others who are strong there. Instead of comparing ourselves to others, let’s learn from one another.

7-Keep Good Role Models in Mind

I think of my role models and the reasons I admire them so much. Not one of them is a superficial reason; the things I truly aspire to become go so much deeper. Remembering my role models and their priorities helps me focus on the things that matter most.

8-Pray with “All the Energy of Heart”

One of the most important things I did to learn to love myself was to follow the counsel of the Book of Mormon prophet Moroni, who said, “Pray unto the Father with all the energy of heart, that ye may be filled with [charity], which he hath bestowed upon all who are true followers of his Son, Jesus Christ” (Moroni 7:48).

I believe developing charity includes learning to love ourselves as the Savior loves us. If we truly possess Christ-like love, that includes love for ourselves. Praying for that love as we seek to develop it enables us to access the power of Heaven to change our hearts.

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Twenty Nine.

I go to church and smile at a woman who just moved into our area, sitting down beside her to introduce myself without reservation.

Five little boys call me “Mommy,” and motherhood makes me feel beautiful.

My husband calls me “Gorgeous Queen,” and I laugh and recognize the grace of womanhood.

I am deeply flawed.

I still have to force myself to be social.

I still make funny faces when I concentrate.

I can see laugh lines beginning to etch themselves around my eyes.

I am still on a journey,

but I have come so far.

I know that I have strengths to offer the world.

I think of myself less and I love others more than ever before.

Most importantly, I recognize that God wants to use me to do His work—I just need to open my heart to know how I can bless others.

Invitation: Ask Heavenly Father to help you love yourself. Make a list of things to stop doing and things to start doing to help overcome negative thoughts and become a more effective servant of Jesus Christ.

Please share your thoughts or experiences below!