Finding God IN ME

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My Heavenly Parents were there in the way I thought and naturally showed up in the world.  They were there in my talents I had long given up on. They were there in the way I showed up for my children with light—instead of numbness—in my eyes.

They were there in the new dreams, passions, and ambitions I was finding within me.

God hasn’t answered my prayers for 13 years.

Yes, I’m counting the years.

For some of that time, I counted the days, the minutes, the seconds.

What do you do when you’ve learned (and practiced) your whole life that God knows who you are and answers your prayers; but instead of feeling God, you only sense a wall dividing you from the heavenly help you seek?

For me, I felt it all: desperation, depression, guilt and shame, anxiety, and apathy.  But the worst feeling of all was the anger.

I lived a “righteous” life.  I did alllll the things I was supposed to, and with exactness.  (Well, with as much exactness as a human being can.) If anyone “deserved” to feel God’s peace, direction, and acknowledgment, I felt that I did.

After years of a spiritual block, I still read, studied, prayed, worshipped, and sought.  But I no longer carried hope that God would answer me; and I resented that.

One of the angriest moments for me came during a normal church meeting where people were bearing their testimonies.  A wonderful woman in our congregation stood up and expressed her surety of God’s involvement with her life, personally.  She shared about coming home from a business trip and trying to get to an airport she had never been to. She was running late and time was of the essence, but as she approached what could either be the exit to her destination or sure-fire way to miss her flight—she froze.  She needed immediate direction, so she prayed for God to tell her which way to go: right or left. And He told her right.

I listened.  And I raged.

“God will tell you what exit to take and He won’t even tell me whether or not He exists?!!!”

I almost couldn’t get over it.  

My big goal that year had been, “Find out if God exists.”  This woman’s story didn’t feel like a testimony to me. It felt like a slap in the face.

My search for God involved years of heavy scripture-and-soul-searching.  My anguish over not being answered made me question if there even was a God.  I found myself seeking the divine feminine, my Heavenly Mother, who I also felt sure must be listening and be more sympathetic to my plight.  But I lacked the basic knowledge about Her I required: Her purpose, Her role, Her attributes.

It appeared to me that both Parents were giving me the silent treatment.

At my lowest of lows, I sought the highest leader of my local congregation for council, one wise enough to not assume sin or lack of trying on my part.  One wise enough to give me counterintuitive advice.

“Monica,” he said. “It’s time for you to seek fulfillment outside of what you are looking for.”

So I did.  Pray, study, and seek?  Most definitely. But beyond that, I searched for “myself” again.  The old me that was delighted, determined, bold, and forward-seeking.  One working on improving herself and living a bit more ambitiously.

The Monica that had gotten lost somewhere along the way of marriage, motherhood, and life.

I started small.  “Make 30 new recipes,” was on my list of to-do’s.  “Read 30 new books.” “Go on 10 adventures with the kids.” “Start a blog.” “Take a watercoloring class.”

Gradually, a sense of “knowing” cracked into my hard shell.  A sliver of light and recognition.

I began to see that I was still in there.  

It felt familiar. Exciting. Comforting.

As I worked on practicing my flute again, challenging myself to a new exercise class, and going on fun dates with my husband, I felt deeply that I was actually reaching for something far more meaningful.

It was restorative. Beautiful. And spiritual.

It was me.

And as I sought, I found God was there too.

My Heavenly Parents were there in the way I thought and naturally showed up in the world.  They were there in my talents I had long given up on. They were there in the way I showed up for my children with light—instead of numbness—in my eyes.

They were there in the new dreams, passions, and ambitions I was finding within me.

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“For whosoever will save his life shall lose it; and whosoever shall lose his life for my sake shall find it.” (Matthew 15:25)

For the majority of my life, I took this scripture to mean that in order to find God I had to sacrifice every part of me. To never think of myself, seek my own ambitions, or “selfishly” consider what boundaries I needed to have in order to be mentally sane.

As a mother, this scripture translated to a fear of damaging my children if I took any time away from them and worked on my own self-development and interests.

And as a struggler within my faith, I thought that this scripture communicated the need for me to deny myself of anything “worldly” in order to deserve God’s communication. Anything outside of God and family was “worldy” to me.

But I found the reverse to be true.

Looking inward, getting curious, seeking what inclinations/talents/gifts/interests I naturally gravitated to and wanted to more deeply explore, and seeking to develop myself helped me find God.  And it made me a better servant, too.

Sure, this entailed a little bit of a messier house. (Ok, a LOT messier!) More walks and thinking, and sometimes less time studying the scriptures.  Getting a mommy’s helper a few hours a week to play with the kids while mom worked on her own interests. And more boundaries in place that built in time for deep self-care.

But daring to live a bit differently from my self-prescribed life of a “wise servant” changed me.  And in the best way.

Let me tell you what three years of looking inward and cultivating my own gifts and interests has done for my spirituality:

I feel a more sure connection to my Heavenly Parents.  I know that I am serving Them far better. I feel more hope while studying the scriptures.  I understand better what my role is on earth because I better understand myself. And I feel much more hope instead of the anger I had before.

Heavenly Father and Mother implanted in me bits of Them that demand to be explored.  And doing my best to do just that has made Them feel more real than all the years of struggle and turmoil prior.

I can endure the dark times better, too.

Because those dark times still exist.  I still doubt. I still struggle. I still wrestle with God for answers I’ve long sought and remain in the dark for.

And I still am not sure exactly how my prayers are being answered, if at all directly.  It’s been 13 years and counting, after all.

That spiritual wall I was butting my head against for years has not disappeared altogether, but it’s more of a friendly fence now—one I can see through and reach my hand out to the other side and get a better sense of what is waiting there for me.  And the little glimpses of the other side of this fence instill more purpose behind my struggle to get there.

There’s a point to all of it, now.

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I had thought for so many years that in order to find God I had to lose “me.”

But that was a misunderstanding. Because God is within our natures, our attributes, our interests, and our dreams.

Are we not made up of the stuff of divinity?

Ignoring “me” was ignoring God.  Fearing personal growth was fearing God.  

Denying fulfillment in what naturally interested and restored me was denying God, too.

I turned inward and honored the divine within me. And that is where God had been waiting for me, all along.

When have you found God within you by developing your interests?

Edited by Dani Davis

Photographer @baleymariephoto