Finding Joy in My Body

I’ve often struggled to feel comfortable in my mortal body. It seems so at odds with my spirit…I feel like a child on skates again – my uncertain spirit stuck in an unfamiliar body – with no control and a persistent potential for pain…Why is being in a mortal body so hard and is it possible to experience JOY in this brokenness?

“No, Daddy, I can’t! Don’t make me!” I clung in terror to the handrail as my dad tried to coax me away from the wall. The lack of control I felt in the unfamiliar roller-skates and the potential to fall kept me paralyzed. I suddenly was completely confused why anyone would want to put themselves in such a hazardous position. But as my dad gently eased my fears and secured my trembling hand in his, I ventured one timid step onto the floor. In time I learned to love the freedom of movement that came with skating. Did I fall a few times? YES! But the joy and creativity to be found kept me getting back up and trying again.

Similarly, I’ve often struggled to feel comfortable in my mortal body. It seems so at odds with my spirit. I’ve wondered why it still rebels after all I do to take care of it by exercising and eating healthy. I feel like a child on skates again – my uncertain spirit stuck in an unfamiliar body – with no control and a persistent potential for pain. My sister teased me that she imagined pushing me out the door of heaven to come to earth because I clung to the doorframe in fear of what awaited me. As I’ve dealt with some extremely trying health challenges over the last few years, I’ve wondered why being in a mortal body has to be so hard and how it’s possible to experience JOY in this brokenness. The pain seemed so all encompassing at times that I felt I’d never have joy again.

When I think of joy, the first things that come to mind are Family + Food. My mother is an amazing cook, and she took incredible care of us. She often showed her love by nurturing our bodies through healthy food. I learned to show love the same way. Over the last two years, I lost the ability to eat many of the foods I love and, as a result, I rarely experienced the joy of creating foods that were such an integral part of my identity. With this loss, came a feeling that my ability to have joy was gone. What was the point of having a mortal body if the very act of keeping it alive was miserable?

On a particularly difficult weekend, I plead with God to help me find purpose in my pain. My scripture reading that day “happened” to be in 2 Nephi 2, and these verses penetrated my soul.

“22 And now, behold, if Adam had not transgressed he would not have fallen, but he would have remained in the garden of Eden. And all things which were created must have remained in the same state in which they were after they were created; and they must have remained forever, and had no end.

23 And they would have had no children; wherefore they would have remained in a state of innocence, having no joy, for they knew no misery; doing no good, for they knew no sin.

24 But behold, all things have been done in the wisdom of him who knoweth all things.

25 Adam fell that men might be; and men are, that they might have joy.”

(2 Nephi 2:22-25, emphasis added)

At times, Adam and Eve are depicted as regretting their choice, but I believe they were all in. Adam and Eve CHOSE a body! They knew they needed an imperfect, physical body to learn how to experience joy. So yes, they chose the potential for pain, but they also chose the potential for JOY. Both Adam and Eve expressed hope and appreciation for the joy made possible through their bodies.

“10 And in that day Adam blessed God and was filled…saying: Blessed be the name of God, for because of my transgression my eyes are opened, and in this life I shall have joy, and again in the flesh I shall see God.

11 And Eve, his wife, heard all these things and was glad, saying: Were it not for our transgression we never should have had seed, and never should have known good and evil, and the joy of our redemption, and the eternal life which God giveth unto all the obedient.”

(Moses 5:11-12, emphasis added)

As I read, my heart was touched by Adam and Eve’s deep love and gratitude for the gift of a mortal body. Eve even references childbearing – a physical process where resulting joy is not possible without physical pain. They didn’t see their bodies as the enemy but as the vehicle that would allow them to BE a whole person (2 Nephi 2:25).  A sense of compassion and gratitude for my body – pain and all – settled in my heart as I read their witnesses.

Soon after, I spoke with a friend about wanting to deepen my appreciation for my body – to find joy again. The impression came that I may have lost the ability to eat whatever I wanted, but that was NOT the only way I experience joy in my body. The smell of autumn air, the warmth of the sun on my skin, the sound of my nephews laughing, dancing with my husband, snuggling with my sisters, going for a drive on country back-roads…All these things are treasures I experience with my body. I felt guided to focus on and savor these moments – to BE fully present and relish these precious physical sensations. This practice has begun to rehabilitate my soul and inspire gratitude for my imperfect, precious body.

If you are struggling physically or mentally in any way, my heart weeps for you. I know how exhausting, discouraging, and dark the road can be. I also know how frustrating it can be when people tell you that someday it will get better – these expressions so often exacerbate our grief.  In moments of agony and despair, it can be so difficult to see our body as a gift.

My prayer is that you will find peace in the midst of pain – that you will know that God is providing the grace you need each day to keep going. I pray that you will feel the angels – those who love you, seen and unseen – lifting you up when you don’t think you can take another step.

I plead with you to not give up! It hurts, so turn to the Master Healer! Cry out like you’ve never done before and ask for the peace only He can give. Ask Him to help you remember and see the joy still available to you in the middle of the storm. Turn to a trusted friend – share your burden and ask them to help you find ways to create joy in the pain. As needed, seek help from professionals to guide you in rediscovering joy in your journey. Remember the beautiful moments you’ve experienced in your body. These things will help you have the courage and desire to keep fighting.

I came to peace with the fact that I may never have the physical healing I want in this life after internalizing a few truths. I discovered that pain is neither good nor bad – it is a necessary part of my mortal experience to help me become a more deeply compassionate, resilient, and patient person. I’ve also found that my potential for joy is limitless if I intentionally seek joyful moments daily and invite help from God, loved ones, and trained professionals. Joy comes in endless forms – all of which are possible because I have a body.

As I’m coming to appreciate that my body is a gift, I like to think that I wasn’t actually dragging my feet as someone coaxed me out heaven’s door. But instead, I took a swan dive into this life, anxious to experience the joy that awaited me. As we each learn to embrace this mortal experience – like leaving the wall while roller-skating – we will find unlimited opportunities to choose freedom and joy.

Invitation: Take a moment to ponder the ways you experience joy through your body. Write some of these down to look at on hard days. Intentionally choose to experience one of those joyful things each day for a week. Reflect on how this practice influenced you. Continue to make room for joy!

 

Photo by Fuu J on Unsplash