I grew up hearing about Christ in my home, church, and among friends. I taught about Christ as a young missionary. And I have born testimony of Him multiple times throughout my life. But it has been within my most devastating defeat and the chains of addiction, that I have become acquainted with my Savior on a level I never knew.
I suffer from a disease called perfectionism. I’ve had it for as long as I can remember. Because of my obsession with being perfect, I feel extreme fear and debilitation when it comes to failure or even the possibility of it. This can lead to consistently turning down opportunities, shying away from new relationships, quitting attempts at achieving goals, or numbing out. From the time I was young, food was my go-to in order to numb whatever I was feeling or experiencing. It wasn’t until hitting rock bottom last year that I realized I had a problem that required more than self control or self-help books. I needed divine help, which led me to a Tuesday night Addiction Recovery meeting at a local LDS church.
I was scared, angry, frustrated, and hope hung by a thread. For so long, I had tried over and over and over again to gain control of my addiction. But after every failed attempt, the perfectionist inside annihilated any sense of self-worth or self-love. How could a person so flawed ever be truly loved—or saved? It affected my relationships, especially with my husband. Whenever he expressed tenderness or love to me, I had a hard time believing it was sincere. I couldn’t fathom how a talented, intelligent, amazing individual could ever find someone like me worthy of attention or affection.
After so many years of going through the cycle of indulging or using food to cope, feeling guilt and shame afterwards, experiencing further self-hate and despair, which then propelled me deeper into my food addiction, I felt trapped and alone. I remember walking through those church doors and making every attempt to not look at anyone. I didn’t want to be noticed. I didn’t want to be seen. The step discussed that evening was Step 7: Humility. I was handed an Addiction Recovery Program manual and as people started reading, I paid attention to this:
The message I received that night was relief, understanding that the Lord never expected me to fix myself or my addictive behavior on my own. Instead, He was reaching out His hand. I felt the warm embrace that evening and began a life-changing journey that has taught me many truths, three of which I want to highlight specifically:
- There is nothing I can do to make me more or less worthy of God’s love.
- Celebrate progress, not perfection.
- Christ changes everything.
For so long, I believed that in order for the Lord to truly love me, I needed to be perfect. When I messed up, made a mistake, or indulged in my addiction, I pictured my Heavenly Father’s disappointment and ultimate disgust or disinterest with me. Along with that, I was determined that if I was increasingly righteous or did better about checking items off my “spiritual checklist” (e.g. prayer, reading scriptures, going to church, serving others, etc.), God would love me more and it would hopefully balance out everything I did wrong.
This belief led to serious pain which also made facing my weaknesses heartbreaking and unbearable. It was when I accepted the truth, that there is nothing I can do to make myself more or less worthy of God’s love, that I realized worthiness was not and never will be a part of the equation. It also taught me how God looks at weakness and sin. Repentance isn’t about shame, but about love. The choices we make may affect how we feel, but it does not affect how God feels about us. Dieter F Uchtdorf said:
God knows that you are not perfect, that you will fail at times. God loves you no less when you struggle than when you triumph.
Like a loving parent, He merely wants you to keep intentionally trying. Discipleship is like learning to play the piano. Perhaps all you can do at first is play a barely recognizable rendition of ‘Chopsticks.’ But if you continue practicing, the simple tunes will one day give way to wondrous sonatas, rhapsodies, and concertos…All God asks is that you consciously keep striving. (“Your Great Adventure”, October 2019)
Understanding that all God asks of me is to keep trying, clarifies that progress, not perfection, is His goal and expectation of us while living on this Earth. Focusing on one day, one hour, or even one minute at a time and celebrating those small victories, even when everything feels like a struggle, has made a huge difference! Literally telling myself, “Progress, not perfection. Progress, not perfection,” over and over and over again helps remove some of the heavy, unattainable expectations that I created and allows me to experience the joy that comes from moving toward my goal and God, no matter how small that movement may be.
Since attending Addiction Recovery Program meetings, I have had the opportunity to talk and hear from multiple individuals whose lives, hearts, and physical countenances are completely unrecognizable from when they first started their recovery and healing journey. How do they feel so much joy when things are so difficult and almost impossible? The answer is always the same: Jesus Christ. I grew up hearing about Christ in my home, church, and among friends. I taught about Christ as a young missionary. And I have born testimony of Him multiple times throughout my life. But it has been within my most devastating defeat and the chains of addiction, that I have become acquainted with my Savior on a level I never knew.
Since embarking on this journey, I’ve told people, “I think everyone should attend addiction recovery meetings!” Why? Because it teaches a person how to utilize the Atonement of Jesus Christ in a very real way. And that has absolutely been my experience. There is a depth of love and closeness with Christ I have felt as I’ve prayed openly and honestly about my struggles, recognized God’s tender mercies in my life, read from the scriptures and other inspired words (including the Addiction Recovery Manual) with an open heart, made adjustments in habits and routines that help me more consistently feel the Spirit and the Savior’s love, and recommitted every day to remember Him and to be like Him.
We invite you with all our empathy and love to join us in a glorious life of freedom and safety, encircled in the arms of Jesus Christ, our Redeemer. We know by our own experience that you can break free from the chains of addiction. No matter how lost and hopeless you may feel, you are the child of a loving Heavenly Father. If you have been blind to this truth, the principles explained in this guide will help you rediscover it and establish it deep in your heart. These principles can help you come unto Christ and allow Him to change you.
-Introduction of A Guide to Addiction Recovery and Healing
Things can still feel heavy, dark, and overwhelming. No person is immune from the struggles and complexities that are part of living in this world. I continue to work on moving forward and that work isn’t always graceful, enthusiastic, or even consistent. But when I remember God’s love for me and that He doesn’t expect me to be perfect right now, the realities of life aren’t unbearable and I don’t need my addiction to numb out pain, fear, or stress. Most importantly, I recognize that Jesus Christ is the key to true and lasting recovery. I can’t break these chains on my own. I can’t, but He can. And I’ll let Him.
Do you or a loved one struggle with addiction? If so, I invite you to check out the Addiction Recovery Program created by The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. Feel free to pick up a guide at any LDS Distribution Center and/or attend a local meeting! You can find meeting times and locations here, along with an online copy of the manual and other helpful resources.
Photo from unsplash by Denys Nevozhai
No Comments