I have found that the closer I am to God, and the more I am trying to hear His voice in my life, the quieter my harsh inner voice has become. The voices are still there, but I hear His voice louder, reminding me how strong I am and how much I am loved.
On December 31, 2019, I took a pregnancy test. Three minutes after taking the test I looked down and saw two little lines. This is not necessarily what I had expected. I had so many ambitious New Year’s resolutions and plans for the year 2020, and being pregnant would complicate things a little.
As a mother of a fifteen-month old, I was thinking of trying to go back to work part time, my husband and I were going to buy a house right around the time this new baby would be due, and I could finally fit into my favorite skinny jeans again. This was going to change how that year was going to look. It took me a week or two to totally accept the news. I really was excited to continue to grow our family and so grateful for this new gift of life, but in shock at the timing of it all. (I should note that I know so many struggle with infertility and I shouldn’t feel anything but gratitude for a new baby).
Right about the time that the news all started to set in that I was pregnant is when the nausea and fatigue also settled in. I felt like I could barely get up in the morning to take care of my son. And each time he went down for a nap, I did too. It was all I could do to stay awake in between nap times and it was hard to keep down anything. It was hard to get out of the house because of how I was feeling. Add to that the darkness of winter, and I found myself in a very isolated, dark place. I started feeling like I wasn’t doing anything, that no one cared about me, and that I wasn’t a good wife or mother.
Being Kind to Yourself
During this same time, a friend mentioned the idea of being kind to yourself. She spoke of how just paying attention to her inner voice had her realizing how self-destructive her thoughts were and, in turn, had led her to change those thoughts.
That prompted me to start listening to my own inner voice. I would hear things like, “Why can’t you just stay awake for once and get something done?”, “How can you be so lazy?”, “No one cares about you”, “You are barely taking care of your son, how are you going to take care of another one?”, “How can you think of going back to work feeling like this?”, etc. I was appalled when I realized how harsh I was being on myself, almost without realizing it. I would never say those things to a friend of mine, why would I say those things to myself?
At this same time, while my husband and I were making some big decisions, I received a priesthood blessing. The words spoken in that blessing were in such contrast to the things I had been telling myself: “You are so loved”, “He believes in you”, “He is guiding you”, “You are the mom your children need”, etc. I was struck by the love that the Lord had for me. It was such a powerful reminder to me that I am known by and important to God.
God’s Love
Romans 8, verses 35, 38-39 states:
“Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword?…
For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come,
Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”
This scripture has long been a favorite of mine, but at this time in my life, it was a life-line to remind me of my individual worth. It reminded me that God’s love for us never changes. It is not dependent on our achievements or accomplishments. He loves us simply because we are His children and have great worth. So why do we often have such negative self-talk when we don’t live up to our high expectations or the expectations that others put on us?
Knowing You are a Child of God
Another passage of scripture that has taught me about the power of knowing who we are is found in the book of Moses chapter 1 (excerpt from the translation of the Bible, as revealed to the prophet Joseph Smith).
In this story, Moses talks with God, face to face. While talking to Him, God tells Moses he is His son. He also tells Moses that He has a work for him to do. Soon after speaking with God, Satan comes to tempt Moses. Satan says, “Moses, son of man, worship me.” Satan calls him a son of man, but Moses knows that he is a son of God.
Moses responds, “Who art thou? For behold, I am a son of God, in the similitude of his Only Begotten; and where is thy glory, that I should worship thee?”
Because Moses knew who he was, he could not be deceived into thinking he was anything less than a child of God. I think that is powerful. When we are faced with temptations to see ourselves as less than, we can remind ourselves of our worth by declaring that we are children of God.
In a wonderful message given by Gary E. Stevenson, he says this about this scriptural passage:
“There is much we can learn from Moses’s mighty response to temptation from the adversary. I invite you to respond the same way when you feel influenced by temptation. Command the enemy of your soul by saying: ‘Go away! You have no glory. Do not tempt or lie to me! For I know I am a child of God. And I will always call upon my God for His help.” (see full message here)
When our own demons come out, sometimes through our own inner voices, we can remember who we are. We can confidently stand up to those demons and remind them of this truth: we are daughters of God, with so much to offer. Our worth comes from God and His love– not from what we accomplish, or our looks, our friends, or anything else.
Lifted by His Love
I have found that the closer I am to God and the more I am trying to hear His voice in my life, the quieter my harsh inner voice has become. The voices are still there, but I hear His voice louder, reminding me how strong I am and how much I am loved.
Through these scriptures, priesthood blessings, and trying to change my inner voice to reflect what God would say to me, I have begun to feel much more confident in myself and the responsibilities and challenges God has given to me. I have begun to see my efforts as good and the small things I can do as being enough. In the challenges that have come so far this year, I have felt lifted up by His love.
My husband and I felt very inspired to have me go back to work part time and felt like I would be able to have the capacity to work and to take care of my children and all the energy needed for those things. I am now a couple weeks into work and the fatigue from pregnancy has almost all gone away. The nausea as well has been taken away. I remind myself often that because I am a daughter of God, I can believe in my abilities and trust in the Lord. I am beginning to feel more confident in myself. I know that God sent this baby to our family at this time for a reason, and He wouldn’t do that if He didn’t believe that I could do it.
Invitation to Act/Question to Ponder:
When have you felt God’s love for you strongly?
What have you learned that has helped you be more kind to yourself?
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Photo by Anneli Hardy
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