Summary Quote: I was reminded of the need to look to God for my worth and not to others. This was a freeing thought. It let me look for good in myself and in my efforts. …Comparison does take the joy out of your life.
At the beginning of my marriage, I gained new insights into some unhealthy thought patterns I had. This is a blog post I wrote during that time, and I think it applies as much today as it did then.
Awareness
Since Jon and I have recently been around each other so much, we both have noticed how often I compare myself to others. And any time I do compare myself to others, it never ends well. It always leaves me with a sour feeling and does not help my confidence or my ability to focus on others. Instead I feel discouraged, jealous, and like there’s always more that I need to be doing.
I’ve noticed this tendency with my friends in school. Even when I do well on an exam, I often feel worse about myself if I find out that a friend did better. I wonder what I’m doing wrong or why I didn’t do as well. And I get discouraged. I tell myself, “Maybe you’re not as smart as them, or maybe you should study more, etc.”
Recently I have been surrounded by some incredible people. So many of these men and women have the most wonderful lives and are involved in so many good things and I wish I was like them. I wonder why I don’t have things all figured out like they do. My weaknesses seem so apparent and I wonder if I will ever measure up. And these feelings of comparison distance me from my love for myself, from my relationships with other people, and from God.
Well, I think a lot of us get caught in the snare of comparison. Maybe not in the same ways that I am suggesting, but in our own personal ways, this practice robs us of confidence, peace, and self-love.
Antidotes
Here are some thoughts I’ve found recently that have helped me combat these feelings of inadequacy.
While watching a General Women’s Meeting, I listened to a talk by Jean B. Bingham that really touched me about seeing others and ourselves in a positive light. She talked about love, withholding judgment, and seeing people in a higher way.
“Sometimes…we look at what others might have or be and feel we are less in comparison. We become focused on the Pinterest or Instagram versions of life or caught up in our school’s or workplace’s preoccupation with competition. However, when we take a moment to “count [our] many blessings,” we see with a truer perspective and recognize the goodness of God to all of His children.”
From that talk I thought about the damage that comparison was doing, not only to my self-esteem, but to my relationship with others. It was keeping me from looking for good in others and myself.
With those thoughts on my mind, I heard this quote from Elder. J. Devn Cornish:
“Please, my beloved brothers and sisters, we must stop comparing ourselves to others. We torture ourselves needlessly by competing and comparing. We falsely judge our self-worth by the things we do or don’t have and by the opinions of others…The only opinion of us that matters is what our Heavenly Father thinks of us. Please sincerely ask Him what He thinks of you. He will love and correct but never discourage us; that is Satan’s trick.”
From this quote and talk I was reminded of the need to look to God for my worth and not to others. This was a freeing thought. It let me look for good in myself and in my efforts. It let me be kinder to myself when I didn’t measure up to others.
The scripture Ether 12:26-27 from the Book of Mormon was shared with me recently in regards to comparison. It says:
“…the Lord spake unto me, saying: Fools mock, but they shall mourn; and my grace is sufficient for the meek, that they shall take no advantage of your weakness;
And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them.”
The speaker shared that the Lord does not give us weaknesses so that we will feel discouraged. He does not want us to compare our faults to others’ strengths, but instead to humbly be grateful for them because they bring us closer to our Savior.
One thing that has touched me so much in our marriage is Jon’s confidence in me. When he asks me about my day he somehow always seems amazed at what I accomplish. Even when it doesn’t seem like much. And more than that, he doesn’t measure success on what I do, but on who I am. He sees me in a way that I think Heavenly Father sees us all. When I confide in him my insecurities about not being good enough he points out the good in me. He emphasizes that I have much to offer the world even though my strengths may be different than someone else. And when I feel and see my worth, I stop focusing on myself and turn my thoughts to others.
Comparison – The Thief of Joy
Theodore Roosevelt famously said:
“Comparison is the Thief of Joy.”
Isn’t this so true?! Comparison does take the joy out of your life. It takes away joy from the successes you are having. It causes you to focus on how you aren’t quite as good as someone else. And it also takes away from the joy of other’s successes because you are too inwardly focused to be happy for them.
This leads me to one aspect of comparison that I have been miffed about. It is the fact that when we compare ourselves to others, we do not celebrate when others succeed. We see something good happening in another’s life and we think of how much we want that same thing in our life. We don’t let them relish in their moment of joy.
Let’s not take away their joy just to wallow in our own self pity. Why not be grateful that God has blessed them with so much? Why not be inspired by seeing the hand of God in their lives or let them relish in their accomplishment? Chances are it took a lot of hard work and help from Heaven to get where they are. Maybe they too felt discouraged when their blessing didn’t come the way they wanted it to. And now that they have received the blessing, should we not let them celebrate?
At times I have noticed these negative thoughts and they have not lifted me up or encouraged me to lift up others. And lifting others, rather than ourselves, should be our focus.
“How…glorious can be the sincere compliment of a friend, the cheerful greeting of a parent, the approving nod of a sibling, or the helpful smile of a co-worker or classmate, all supplying fresh “wind in our sails” as we battle the challenges of life!” (Jean B. Bingham, 2016)
One of the songs that has been on my mind recently is actually a Christmas song, “Love is Christmas” by Sara Bareilles. She always writes such eloquent lyrics.. One part in particular has hit home to me. It says,
Why so scared that you’ll mess it up
when perfection keeps you haunted?
All you need is your best, my love,
it’s all anyone ever wanted.
I thought of how much of a perfectionist I have become. I thought of how because of my busy schedule and comparing myself with others, I have allowed myself to pay more attention to my list of things to do than to those around me. And I realized that I don’t want that to be my primary or sole focus.
Invitation: I want to propose that we stop looking at others with jealousy, and instead with compassion and understanding. And I also propose that we take some time to truly love ourselves. Ask the Lord how He feels about you. I can guarantee that you will feel a deep sense of His love. But seriously, what the world needs more of is love. Love for ourselves, love for God, and love for those around us.
“Never let a problem to be solved become more important than a person to be loved.”
Check out another article about our divine worth here!
Please share your thoughts or experience below!
Photo Credit: Laura Chouette on Unsplash
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